"Aaarrgh!" - Howard Dean

2004 was a shitty year, to put it mildly. Never have i strayed from a stable emotional core as much as this wretched time lapse of 365 days, divided neatly by binge eating, chain smoking, early morning chiropractor appointments and doctor's visits, and the ultimate painful shot to the groin; "Fuck you, you are a fucking loser. Please restrain yourself, miss, from pursuing our institution any further" in the form of a polite letter. i did a lot of thinking terrible thoughts about myself and others. i have become a very angry and unpleasant person. i am teenage angst bursting from the seams of a fattened sagging body of an old lady.

However, i do chronically get ridiculously hung up on inconsequential details and need a great deal of reassurance to get by. i am just an ugly and insecure person. So in my pathetic little emo mind, i was depressed by the state of my perfectly comfortable life with all the fixin's. i am an emo adult, passionate about myself and the self imposed state i'm in. i'm weeping gently as i type. Thick black glasses and tight cardigans, anyone? Does it count if all my clothes are tight on my large frame now? Sadly, it is not simply a mental state of mind. My body actually reacts violently to trite situations now; my temperature heats up, my face feels red, i want to cry as i simply cannot control the choking feeling originating at the back of my throat, and i feel maniacal. I am often hysterical with anger.

Can I fix this? New Years’ resolutions are shite and we all understand that this is so. After all, the mark of a new Western calendar year is meaningless, barring banking purposes and the mark of a new semester. The point i seem to be emphasizing is that i am truly exhausted from being inanely trivial. i am worn-out from screaming “Fuck you!” all the time. i want to sleep without grinding my teeth and without waking up screaming all the time. My body is trying to tell me that i cannot sustain this overindulgent warping of emotion. My mind has left serenity long ago. This is as good of a time as any to try to change.

To an enthusiastic new year then, of being less acrimonious, more at peace with myself despite all my old hat antics, and to not be all Conner Oberst-y about everything. Release even the preposterously laughable notions i have held of myself. As Howard Dean once screamed: “Aaarrgh!” . Yes Howard, a spirited “Aaarrgh!” to a new me.