Saturday, October 24, 2009

Got Lonesome Fuel For Fire

Insomnia. It's been a long time since i've woken up in the darkness and couldn't sleep again. It's been a long time since i've been able to remember the way things were.

i'm listening to a capsule of the 00's right now, wide awake but getting sleepy. It is reminding me of so many things. i used to listen to Camera Obscura and Jens Lekman and Interpol, did i? i just found an old copy of the Believer shelved in my apartment too. Old like when Elliot Smith died. Old like i used to watch Subterranean on Sunday nights when we stole satellite signals from the States. Old like the indie shows and beer. Old like when we used to be sick of being in love. Old like when i would still organize my ipod. Old like when i'd pick up and leave. Old like when i served tables and ate loaves of bread. Old like when the breeze would float through my window and make my record player dusty while i read thick books. Old like when he took off his jacket and laid it on the wooden ground for me to sit on in the humid Ironwood while M. Ward played. Old like when i used to write and was alone.

i'm old enough to miss things. Or at least get nostalgic for turning on the bright lights. The sun looks like it might come up now.


Today, i watched the campus with a chance acquaintance and some cigarettes. He told me that i need an adventure.

i know.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Unfamiliar Is Right Below Our Eyes

i woke up this morning beside him. i fell back asleep. When i woke up again, i didn't remember what happened the past weeks and past days. And when i got out of bed, everything came back - all the confusion, the bad feelings, the sadness, the embarrassment, the complete loss of all the things i thought i could do.

i almost threw up in the bathroom.

The layer of snow on the cold city made everything so surreal today. It matched my dejection and apathy. When i smoke in the little hovel by the science building, i can watch the quiet and white-dusted campus like i am watching a silent film. Everything looked sad today.

My heart actually hurts.