guitar hysteria by cynthia yip

Stood By The Gate At The Foot Of The Garden

The rain is hard today, and the rivers have flooded over. Don't make plans to go rafting, no matter how luring the rapids may seem when you walk by; the fire fighters have enough on their hands as it is.

I'd very much like to diagnose the dreary weather for my strong feelings of inadaquecy, but i am afraid that it is a bit more than that. i feel so alone, and so abandoned. i feel as all the people i may turn to for approval and guidence have left me on their doorstep, ringing their bell helplessly as the rain soaks through my clothes. No reply. The good thing about the rain is that the tears that stream down a pathetic face are hidden from the drops falling from the sky. I cry until my contacts fall out and the bell is broken.

Those eighties songs, like the ones from Joy Division, raise this very hollow empty feeling inside my chest. i wish you could feel it - it's feels ice cold. Even when a warm and comforting band like the Kings of Convenience cover a song like "The Eternal," it feels no different. i am very lucky to be surrounded by people i love and people who can find some sort of appreciation for me, but being as unreasonably foolish as i manage to be, i still feel rejected and heartbroken by others more. i am not certain at what point i decided to rely so heavily on others for my peace - it is impractical, and moreover, completely asinine.

The observation I am doing
could easily be understood
as cynical demeanour
but one of us misread.

- Misread, Kings of Convenience


The proper thing to do when you want to let someone go is to tell them. However, i recieve no reply.